


Once Bitten . . .

by fashion_disaster



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 19:57:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5304869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fashion_disaster/pseuds/fashion_disaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his trial, Eren feels alienated in the company of his new squad and as an official member of the survey corps. He is whisked away to a gloomy castle for further training and testing, but beneath it all his emotions stir. The dark allure and potential danger of his new captain excite him, but what will he find when he goes looking?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Taking a shot at writing some fan-fiction. Enjoy!

There was no talk. The morning dew had fallen, giving the land a soft glaze, and each member of the squad seemed lost in their own thoughts. The monotonous sound of hooves melted down into a steady rhythm; a drum-beat driving the party onward toward their destination. Nobody had told Eren where they were going; nobody trusted him. The mood was unsettling and he let reality drift away.

He thought of his trial at the courthouse. It seemed like a bad dream now, but that's just how it is when your life is on the line—or in this case a piece of paper in front of Darius Zackly himself. His brain was swimming through it all, trying to remember the details. Mikasa, Armin—they were there. They looked terrified for him. He remembered how Captain Levi had beaten the shit out him. He remembered the sound that his teeth made when they skittered across the hard tiled floor.

" _To hell with it!"_ He resolved _._ His teeth had since grown back.The hooves beating the earth kept their rhythm. The drum-beat drove on.

Nothing had mattered more to Eren than having another chance to kill. He thought about that day five years ago. He never forgave himself for being so small, so weak. And he would never forgive _them_. The house had fallen in on his mother when they broke the gate that day . . . and he couldn't save her. Instead, picked up like some small thing, thrown over the shoulder and carted off kicking and screaming, he looked back. He watched the titan lift up his home as he himself could not. He saw it take her up. He saw her crushed legs and that's when it all became real. He watched that disgusting thing hold her above its head, above its smilingmouth like it was teasing him, toying with the idea of eating his mother. And then he watched it bite her in half. He saw his mother's stringy guts. Her blood ran everywhere.

 _Every last one of them. I'm going to kill them. All of them. Every last one of_ _—_

"The old Survey Corps HQ . . ." spoke another member of the squad as he rode up beside Eren. It was Oluo Bozado. "It's just a remnant from when the Survey Corps was young and full of ideals. Originally, it was an old castle we remodeled, so it looks imposing, but being so far away from the river and the walls it's of little consequence now. Who would have thought it would be such a perfect place to hide you?"

Eren looked down, silent.

"Listen, new kid," continued Oluo, "I don't like you. I don't care if you're a titan. Don't think Levi will be around a brat like you all the time. Don't get cocky."

With that, Oluo sped off, his point made. He left Eren in the dust.

Eren stole a furtive glance back at Captain Levi. Levi caught his eyes instantly and locked his gaze with Eren for just a second before Eren twisted back around, feeling his cheeks get hot.

 _Those cold eyes,_ pondered Eren, _what does a guy like that even think about?_

Levi made him feel uncomfortable. It wasn't the beating—Eren had had beatings and fights before. Supposedly it was just for show. What had really unsettled Eren about Levi was the way he came up to him afterwards. No, more like _came onto_ him. When Levi had sat down next to him, and put his arm around him, _almost_ touching his shoulders.

_Do you resent me?_

That was what he had asked.

Eren's grip on the reins tightened. He felt heat rising in his chest. He tried to put it out of his mind, but still, he could feel Levi's cold, dead eyes drilling holes in the back of his head.

The hooves beating the earth kept their rhythm. The drum-beat drove on.

* * *

Oluo had not lied. The treeline broke, and the dark castle crushing the horizon was indeed imposing. The party had arrived shortly after noon, and Eren was famished. The small group—they were six—had taken putting away their horses in the stable. Captain Levi had all but disappeared. He wasn't one for small talk or taking his time with trivial tasks, so he had given the order to meet in the courtyard in thirty minutes and left.

Eren Yeager looked around him as he stabled his horse and marveled at his company. These were hard people: they had seen combat and had proven themselves again and again, each one of them handpicked by Captain Levi.

_Petra Ral: 10 kills. Oluo Bozado: 39 kills. Eld Jinn: 14 kills. Gunther Schultz: 7 kills._

The stories about Squad Levi could hardly be non-fiction, but Eren believed them anyway. He, like so many others, had the unconscious tendency to look for and see only what he desired. The people of Shiganshina district carried the scars of the war and their wall with them, but Eren still believed in heroes.

For all his hard talk on the road, Oluo left Eren in peace to tend to his horse some paces away. Petra Rall chastised him for mouthing off to Eren the way he did. _Even if he's new, even if he's some kind of titan_ , she said to him, _there's no need for it._

 _Even if he loses control,_ she said, _we'll do what we need to do._

* * *

Levi didn't waste any time putting them to work. The small band stood inline within the courtyard: four hard soldiers, one boy who was still clearly starstruck (and making every effort not to show it), and Levi. Levi walked the line and smirked. _Look at this handsome young thing,_ he thought as he admired the passion in Eren's fiery green eyes. Levi was like that once. Maybe. The boy has sharp features and he keeps his eyebrows in a furrow that's kind of cute in a naive way. It's the look of someone who wasn't really sure of himself yet.Probably still a virgin. Probably the starved-for-attention type.

"This place looks like shit," Levi announced, _"_ Look at all these weeds. I _detest_ weeds. We begin grounds maintenance immediately.

"I want Jinn, Schultz, and Bozado to weed the courtyard," continued Levi amid groans of displeasure, "Petra, Eren, and I will take care of the rooms we will be using while we are here." The weeds really did bother Levi, but he wanted an opportunity to spy on Eren. After all, he was the reason why they were here. That, and Levi had never been a big fan of the dirt.

 _It doesn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes,_ Levi thought.

"Well, let's all get to it then."

Eren was deep in thought as he joined the small procession indoors. Things are different here. Before, when he was with Mikasa, Armin, and the cadet squad, he felt like he was a part of something bigger than himself _._ But these people are here to _watch_ him. Levi hadn't seemed to address him when he addressed his soldiers, and it made Eren feel isolated. These people were just here to kill him if he got out of line again. At the trial he found out that when had he turned into a titan he tried to kill Mikasa. It was all so unreal. _I could never do such a thing!_ Eren thought, but yet he had.

After hours of cleaning the upstairs rooms, Levi led them to a small upstairs study. Bookshelves lined the walls and Eren felt a rush of excitement. _So many books!_ Maybe there were books like the ones Armin always seemed to find, about the outside world. And the smell of them! Eren never told anyone—not Mikasa or even Armin (who also loved books)—but he loved the smell of books. Eren felt a smile creep onto his face.

"Do you see something you like?" Levi questioned, coldly.

Eren caught himself quickly and passed back into military stature. That meant furrowed eyebrows and no smiling. _Acting like a boy here isn't a good idea_ , he thought. He brushed off Levi's question and kept it professional: "Where are we sleeping?"

"You're sleeping in the basement. If you change, I want it contained for an easy kill," Levi said nonchalantly as he crept out the open door, leaving Petra to watch the boy.

 _Contained for an easy kill._ Eren's skin crawled.

Thoughts of Levi occupied his mind for a while longer—Levi's comment had made his assumptions concrete. Worse, Eren felt hurt by the remark: the boy wanted the adorations of his hero, but got at best indifference. He felt wistful in the presence of so many books. Eren scrubbed the floor and he chided himself for wondering what kinds of books Levi liked.

_What does that even matter?!_

Petra wasn't a fool. Poor kid must feel like bricks.

"Be sure to do that spot well," she said curtly and looked over her shoulder, "Levi's a bit of a clean freak."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Just make sure nothing stands out, otherwise he'll notice. Trust me."

Eren was silent. He focused on his work, even if it was pointless. It wasn't killing titans.

"Are you worried about your friends?" Petra queried. She paused for a moment; maybe she was too forward—she did that sometimes. "Sorry . . . I'm sure your friends are doing okay."

Eren stopped and stared at the floor. Some questions don't have answers. He closed his eyes and felt the weight of his burdens. His senses felt fuzzy at times, and the feeling swept in on him now _._ Breathing was hard for him when the fuzzies settled in, when he thought so much about his circumstances that he realized there was no solution for any of it. He wanted an answer, but he could feel in his heart that there wasn't one. Nothing made him feel complete and he was more fractured now, being here at the castle. He started scrubbing again, now slow and rhythmic. Deliberate.

"I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have said anything," Petra apologized.

"What's Levi like?" Eren asked, obviously attempting to change the subject. Petra stopped at this, and looked at the boy a pause, then continued her busy work.

"He's not so bad, really. A lot of people think he's scary, but he really cares about his soldiers. Dark history, though."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's rumored that he used to be an infamous criminal in the city. Until Erwin Smith convinced him to join the Survey Corps."

"Erwin Smith?"

"Yeah. Commander Smith himself, but—"

Petra was cut off when Levi reentered the room. Eren stopped again. He looked up and felt exasperated, but didn't show it.

"Eren," Levi crooned meanly. He looked over the boy on his fours slyly. Petra was watching him. She always did. "This just won't do. You can do it better. Do the whole thing over again."

Eren sighed heavily; his shoulders shrank down and he felt more beaten and disparaged than he had in the courtroom. He didn't dare disobey, of course; Levi filled his mind with a sort of dangerous excitement that he couldn't place.

_Why is he doing this to me?_

After Levi left, Eren scrubbed at the floor in anger—down on all fours he attacked his work. He was never good at dealing with his emotions, but enough to know feeling inadequate came easily enough. This time it wasn't about killing titans. It wasn't about watching his mother die. It wasn't missing Mikasa, or Armin, or anyone else, for that matter. He scrubbed at the floor like he was scrubbing away some part of himself.

* * *

That night, Eren found himself tossing and turning in his bed. His legs still felt a little sore from the morning ride in, but after cleaning the study he was allowed to bathe and he felt a little more relaxed since. He should have fallen asleep instantly, but instead found himself reflecting on a day that had seemed to pass by in an instant.

The squad had had their dinner in a cozy mess hall that was right next to the kitchen; Levi cooked. During the meal Eren tried his best to be upright and proper; his normal tendency was to slouch down and he often found himself playing with his food. Avoiding his habits like the plague, he tried his absolute best to impress his company—which meant he _only_ slouched a bit and felt self-consciously shy. He didn't speak much.

The food was surprisingly good. Eren found it easy to enjoy the simple meal of roasted chicken (falling off the bone perfect), and roasted parsnips with herbs. Eventually he found himself looking past his plate and around to the other faces at the table. Such camaraderie in this squad! He even thought that maybe Levi had a nice heart, if he could make food as good as this—until he locked eyes with him. Levi's deadpan expression and dangerous eyes looked just as menacing as they did on the ride in. Eren started instantly: he looked down and played with his food intensely.

He could have sworn he caught a playful smirk on Levi's face out of the corner of his eye in that moment. Framed between three boisterous men bragging about their titan kills, Petra looking flushed and laughing loudly from having too much of the wine ration, and the gentle, dancing light from the oil lamps, the whole scene had a dreamlike quality. It was hard to tell.

Eren wondered if Levi was toying with him, and his cheeks felt hot again. He wished he could stop it, but he knew he couldn't. He knew by now that he wasn't like the other boys—he had figured it out when he fought with Jean one night during training . . . After the fact, when he was awake in bed trying to hide his erection, while imagining how that whole scene could have ( _should have . . . would have . . ._ ) been different. He only threw a punch because he saw Jean doing the same. If the others weren't there, watching him, maybe he would have thrown a kiss instead.

_Why was Jean fucking Marco and not me?_

It was easy enough to cover up the flighty anxiety of his sex by fighting, but it was harder to deal with when it came back and visited him at night.

_Jean was fucking Marco because . . . I didn't have the balls to kiss him. Or touch him. Or do anything about it._

Again and again, Eren replayed how Jean had grabbed him, held him close enough so that he could feel his hot breath on his neck, and threaten to rough him up. He tried to forget about it. He thought instead about Levi's dangerous almost-touch—how excited it made him feel: a flighty anxiety creeping up through his base, his stomach, and seizing his fluttery heart. The stirring was unbearable because he had had to hide it. _I couldn't even tell Mikasa about it!_ The agony was with him now, as he prayed for all the love he could stand to ache; his virginity teasing at him like the world beyond the walls—the world beyond the walls of his own life.

Before he could even realize it, his hands went to work on himself. He made himself wet with his own spit as each rendition of his imaginings made Levi closer, Jean closer, until the feeling of danger, the power that they'd held over him, got him off into the sheets. It did not take long.

He burned red. It just hadn't happened yet. That's all. Lots of boys haven't done it yet.

_Right._


	2. Chapter 2

Days passed by as Eren dealt with the busy-work that Captain Levi kept pushing on him before pulling his famous disappearing act. The same pattern kept repeating and repeating and repeating and it was maddening. Why the _fuck_ was he pulling weeds right now?! He sat back on his feet where he was kneeling and threw his head back in exasperation; he beat his thighs with the fistfuls of weeds he'd just pulled, and looked straight up into the sky.

It was a beautiful day. The sun beat down on him and the heat was starting to get to him. Eren wished his work would give him a rest from his thoughts, but it didn't: mindless work makes for a wandering mind, after all. 

He worried about Mikasa and Armin and wondered how the rest of the squad was holding up. For the first time, they had seen real combat together, and it wasn't pretty. Not many of them made it. Hell, Eren didn't really make it. The visions of death had no troubles playing themselves out each night, and between death and lust Eren felt emotionally tapped out. 

He thought about Mikasa more than the others: his connection with his sister was strong. Eren, being a boy, would never admit it, but he felt lost without her. She looked out for him and she had always been there for him.

_ But not now. She isn't here now. _

Eren buckled down and put his mind on his work as best he could.

* * *

Eren broke down that night. It was a combination of things. He lay in bed when the tears just started coming. His face was hot and his eyes ran and couldn't hardly see and couldn't hardly think: he was alone with his rapidly beating heart and he had to run. 

Eren got out of bed, threw his trousers and boots on, and burst through his bedroom door.

_ I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with anything right now. I need to see Mikasa. I need to tell her. _

He made pace down the corridor and threw his newly earned Survey Corps jacket over his naked torso. He was so goddamn proud of it.

_ I can't stay here. I have to run. _

Eren beat feet towards the stables as fast as he could have. He had to ride out of this goddam castle before sunrise —he wanted to watch the sunrise, but not from here. He wanted to feel  _ free _ for once in his fucking life.

He came around the bend to the stables; Captain Levi was waiting for him by his horse.

_ Shit. _

"You didn't think we weren't watching you," Levi remarked, without looking at him. He stroked the horse's face. "Did you?"

There was an awkward pause. Eren felt hot angst and his tears renewed subtly. He tried to hold his posture up and he looked from side to side for anything that wasn't Levi.

"Hey. You've got it hard." Levi said, softer now. "I get it."

"No, you don't." Barely above a whisper.

"I'm not here to beat you up, Eren."

"I'm not leaving." The lie felt stupid the second it left Eren's mouth. "I just needed to go."

"Yeah? Want to talk about it?"

_ Yeah. Yeah I do. _

A sense of validation swept through. Eren felt flushed through his whole body. Levi had never recognized him for anything but shitty work or a punching bag. His tears were drying out and he felt sheepish. 

"I . . . I just . . ." Eren paused, then broke down in honesty, "I'm scared. For my friends, and for me. What if I can't save them? What if I can't control myself?  _ What if I try to kill them again? _ "

"Eren," Levi approached him cautiously, "Calm down. We're going to make sure you can handle it. It's not going to happen overnight but we're going to help you."

The sixteen year-old put his back against the wall. He slid down and covered his face. Levi could see he was shaken up pretty bad. Poor kid had started sobbing again.

"Hey, Eren," Levi continued, "Let me show you something. It's kind of a secret."

A pause.

"What?"

"Yeah, come on. Follow me." With that, Levi picked the boy up and ushered him forward. "I want to show you something."

Eren just did what he was told. The captain seemed a little less threatening at the moment, but he was still the boss and Eren was still busted. He let himself be led back into the castle and they ascended the stairs; Levi took him to a familiar room.

The study was still immaculate. After all, Levi had made Eren clean the floor at least three times. Petra had dusted the books completely. There were candles lit here, and Eren assumed that this was where Levi spent his nights. The stack of books by the armchair next to the window was almost as impressive as the bags under Levi's eyes. Eren was spellbound by all these books and he actually kind of missed working in here. Not that he was given opportunity to read any of these books as a floor-cleaner, but it still beat pulling weeds in the sun.

"Come," Levi said. He pushed aside one of the book shelves and revealed a hidden passage. He waited and looked at Eren. "Come on. Get on with it."

Eren scurried into the passage and Levi hastily bullied the shelf back into position with a handle built into the back of its frame. Eren felt kind of excited by the whole proposition: being alone —hidden, in fact—with the captain. Levi himself didn't seem to think much of it as he turned without even a sideways glance at Eren and continued on. Eren was left to follow. And follow he did.

* * *

The place Levi took Eren was like something from a long deserted fairy tale. After following through some shady corridors and ascending a tight spiral staircase, the cramped space opened up into a filthy room that looked like nobody had slept or tread there in decades, yet a bed there was—complemented by cobwebs and stacks of yellowed manuscripts. The room was once lavish. Maybe _._

The pair continued through a portal to an open path tucked behind the rooftop battlements. Levi strode on, paying the view a cool look that lasted but a second only. He led up a flight of stairs that came up to a small outcrop in the roof. There was a stone bench, worn and weathered, and that was all, besides the view.

Levi sat down.

"Sit."

Eren sat, keeping his distance.  _ Still trying to be cool, _ Levi thought, as he brought out a small box containing cigarettes and lit one.

"Want one?" He offered, half joking.

"Of course not!" 

Levi smirked as he puffed his smoke.  _ Kid's pretty straight-laced. I wonder what would happen if I offered him booze? _

"I come up here when I want to think." Levi said.

Eren was silent. The view here was amazing; no wonder Levi came here to think. He felt like the silence was so pure in the presence of the still moon and air that his mind felt connected to something greater than himself. He thoughts seemed to separate from the world; it became clear that they were his own and he felt a calm that he hadn't since arriving at the castle.

"Eren, I want you to tell me what's going on with you." Levi said. He pulled off his cigarette, and blew it off to one side. He made eye contact with Eren.

There was an air of hesitation as Eren mounted the precipice of confession. It was time to take the plunge.

"Levi . . . I'm scared."

"Don't cop out. You already said that."

"Come on! I have so much fucked up shit going on right now!"

"Ha ha . . . that you do, that you do." Another drag off the cigarette. Levi snuffed it out. "But for real: tell me what's on your mind.

"I'm scared for my friends. My best friend almost died."

"My best friends are all dead." Levi said, then quickly added, "But this isn't about me. This is about you. Sorry. I'll just listen."

Eren was shocked. Levi just  _ apologized? _

"I'm scared that I can't control myself." Eren said. He started picking at an invisible spot on his pants. "I just worry all the time, you know? What's going to happen to me next? I don't even know what's happening to me now. I want to know what's wrong with me."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you." Levi hoped that sounded comforting. "Unless you freak out in titan mode, then I have to kill you. Orders. I'd rather not, believe me."

_ So much for comforting. _

"Yeah . . . I get that. But there's other stuff too."

"Go on."

"Okay." Eren breathed in deep. "I feel like I'm missing out on things. I've always been so focused on being a soldier . . . I mean I'm young, so . . ."

" . . . You need to get laid?"

Eren went red. Levi sighed and lit another cigarette. He was gonna need it.

"What?!  _ No! _ Well, yeah, but . . . it's not that simple . . . "

Levi got a chuckle out at that.  _ Oh man. _

"Hey!"

"Well come on, Eren . . . you're kind of a tight ass. Loosen up and get with a girl or something. They like it too, you know."

Eren got quiet. Too quiet. Levi exhaled a massive cloud of smoke.

"I'm . . . way off base, aren't I?" asked Levi.

Eren started to cry and covered his face in his hands.  _ Shit. _

"Levi . . . I'm so scared. I'm scared that . . . what if everyone will hate me for it?"

Levi put his hand on Eren's shoulder, and squeezed gently. This time the danger wasn't there. 

"Sometimes people hate what they don't understand. They just hate feeling afraid, that's all."

"I think I'm gay." Eren said. "I mean, I've never . . . done it with another boy. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure."

Levi was silent. His thoughts had been wandering all night, too.

"Do you feel better now?" asked Levi. He seemed cold again, and he let go of Eren.

"A little."

"Good."

"Does it bother you?"

"Of course not." Levi said, "This world is shit, Eren. Love who you want to. Life is short. You've seen that. If you can find something good, then take it while you can."

Now it was Levi who looked like he might cry; he was pleased that Eren was too caught up in the view to notice.

"I think that's enough talking for one night. I'm glad you got that off your chest."

And with that, Levi got up and walked away, leaving Eren to heal his tender emotions with the cool night sky. There were hardly any clouds at all and the stars were quite beautiful. Levi had thought about his own past more than he had wanted to. He traced the path past the battlements and down the spiral stairs. Maybe the rest of the night he could stick with his books; that would be okay.

Eren stayed put. He thought that Levi was full of mysteries. But tonight he was too wrecked and high from his confession for mysteries. Instead he looked deeply at the stars and he imagined he was up there floating with them, far away. He felt a little better. In time, he also watched the sun come up: that thing so awesome to turn night into day, yet a passage so subtle he hardly remembered the first crack of light gracing the horizon for the awe of all it had become.

* * *

Levi was busy reading when Eren made his way back down to the study. He looked up and gazed at Eren with tired, up-all-night-fucking-waiting-for-you eyes.

"Hope you feel better," he said.

Eren did feel pretty light in his boots for someone who'd been up all night. "Yeah, I do. Thanks for . . . You know, letting me tell you. About me."

Levi smirked while he folded up his book. "Yeah, well, happens I guess."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

Levi groaned as he got up. He flopped his book down on his stack; Eren watched him as he kind of stretched and shook his body and wiggled out of his sleepiness.

_ Wiggled his butt. Cute, _ Eren thought.

Levi closed up the bookshelf. "Ugh . . . I've gotta stop staying up all night. I feel like a wreck. Hope you can keep your mouth shut about  _ that _ ."

"What are you reading?" Eren perked up playfully. He almost wiggled his own butt a little. "Are they books about . . . You know, beyond  _ the wall _ ?"

"Even better: they're just stories." Levi said. "Didn't think you were the type," he added, squinting his eyes and looking Eren up and down.

"Hey, I like reading! But what do you mean  _ just stories _ ?" Eren hadn't heard of books that were anything but descriptions of beyond the wall. Hell, Eren hadn't heard of very many books  _ period, _ but those were the books he loved.

"I mean they're just stories. Fiction _.  _ And sometimes poetry, too."

Eren stared at him with a blank look.

"Okay," Levi explained, "They're things that never happened. Like a different world that's made up. People . . . who are made up. There's no wall. No titans."

"Wow. Really?"

"Ha ha . . . Yes, really. Just people, living their lives and doing the things that people are really meant to do. Or doing things that people aren't meant to do. Things we  _ could _ do if we weren't so busy killing and dying all the time."

"Like what?"

"Jeez, Eren, why don't I just tuck you in and read you a bedtime story sometime?" Levi said. 

Eren flushed red and looked away, but he didn't look upset at all, just new to the game. Considering their talk, maybe he was kind of desperate for a father figure, Levi thought. And probably one young enough to have sex with, considering his proclivities. 

"Sorry."

". . . It's okay," Eren looked up at him with a smile peeking from behind his eyes that suggested he wouldn't mind a bedtime story. Still full of the heat of his embarassment, he said, "I should go; I need to get ready for the day and stuff."

Levi was  _ sure _ he saw Eren wiggle his butt this time. 

"Yeah, you do that." Levi tried to stay cool, and he thought he did a pretty good job. Maybe this was a two-way street, he thought, as Eren wiggled his cute little butt out of the room.

* * *

That night, Eren was delighted to find a book left by his bed.


	3. Chapter 3

Eren was up late again, devouring words. It was his second night with the book Levi had left for him, and oh how he had fallen in love with it! It was an epic poem about a great warrior that traveled across the sea, and helped defend a great mead-hall from a terrible monster. Eren sometimes struggled with the cryptic language, but he tried his hardest to understand it. It was the most difficult thing he'd ever read. He understood the parts about death. But, there was a lot of hope in the story too. To Eren it seemed like all the death made the hero's triumph more important. He related well to that.

Eventually, the hero was killed by the mother of the monster he had slain. Eren didn't know what to think about that. He wanted to kill titans because they killed his mother. He imagined that if titans had killed him, if his mother were alive, she would want to kill titans. But titans didn't have mothers. Did they? Fantasy monsters were weird _.  _

Regardless, the book made Eren feel strength in his resolve. And he loved how this book, no matter how fake it was, gave him a different perspective on things —real things, even. He wondered what else Levi had hidden away in his study.

If the new stains on his sheets were any indication, he was wondering about Levi a lot _. _

* * *

That night Levi allowed Eren to have wine rations. To be honest and maybe a little amoral, he felt it was a joy to watch the kid get a little drunk and express himself. Tonight Eren was sitting right next to Petra and the two were practically making girl-talk with each other. Levi felt envious—he was a secret heavy drinker and didn't catch buzz easy anymore. He also wasn't a braggart like the other men at the table. Didn't matter how much shit you talk—you still end up dead. Levi was hitting the wine pretty hard himself. It was never enough. Nothing could kill his past.

Levi thought for a moment about the note he left in Eren's bedchamber.  _ How fucking stupid could I be? It's nothing but trouble. _

Levi kept watching as the drama around the table unfurled, hopefully.

"But you only killed that titan because I weakened it —!" Shouted Eldo Jinn loudly, laughing.

"Yeah, right! It was all me!" Oluo retorted.

Gunther looked drunk.

Levi had cooked some decent food. He liked cooking more than watching people eat and enjoy themselves —it made him feel . . . in touch with himself. He made some roast pork with leeks and a black vinegar reduction sauce. It was okay.

"Oh, Eren! I can't believe how brave you are!" Petra swooned, her cheeks flush with an alcoholic shade of red. If anyone here matched his own intemperateness, it was her. She loved the sauce. And now it looked like she was dropping her hand into Eren's lap.

_ Just great, _ Levi thought.

He tried to shut out reality even more. But still, judging by the way Eren flipped his wrist and postured his shoulders . . . The kid probably wasn't getting himself ready to crawl into bed with Petra. The way he kept looking at Levi was . . . sexy.

_ Okay, maybe leaving the note was an okay idea. _

Everyone was getting drunk tonight, it seemed. Levi looked on as Eldo Jinn put his hand on the chair behind Gunther Schultz and whispered in his ear. He didn't need to hear the words —he could read them from the smile creeping across Gunther's drunk face. He had figured out their fling quite a while ago, actually. As much as they teased and teased each other, they definitely jived from the battlefield to the bedroom. Levi did all the housekeeping, and he couldn't help but notice that Jinn hardly ever spent the night in his own bed. 

He also couldn't help but notice that Eren kept jerking off into his sheets every night. What a horny little bastard.

Levi got sick of it all; he wanted to go get drunk and wait for Eren to find his stupid note. He secured some liquor, and retreated to his quarters.

* * *

Eren stumbled down the stairs that led to his basement room. He had never had alcohol before, which meant that the wine he'd had with dinner was truly fucking awesome.

"Damn, why are these stairs so twisty . . ." He giggled to himself as he practically tumbled down them. He reeled upright and stumbled his way to the door. He caught himself by it and laughed like at nothing like a moron. 

He didn't take off his clothes before flopping onto his bed. Once there, he untucked his shirt and ran his hand up his chest like it belonged to someone else and stretched his back and made a big sigh. The hand was just his own, after all. He put his other hand under his pillow and kept his left on his chest, feeling for his own heartbeat.

He wondered if he was too drunk to masturbate, and ended up convinced that he'd at least give it an honest effort _. _ He heard the sound of scrunched up paper when he squirmed while trying to get comfortable.

His drunk eyes took a few seconds longer to focus on the crumbled paper before them.

 

_ Eren, _

_ I want you to come see me tonight. It's important. _

 

_ Sincerely yours, _

_ Levi. _

 

 

Eren sat up. _ So much for self-pleasure. _ He read the note one more time and took off.

* * *

Eren's thoughts came crashing in on him with each report of his step against the cold castle floors. He was closer now than he'd ever been, and the breath he took before he knocked on Levi's door seemed an eternity. There was no immediate response; he was about to knock again when the door swung inward.

"Come in, Eren" said Levi. He didn't smile.

Eren shut the door behind him, but didn't quite enter. It was immaculate —and much larger than his own—there was a  _ bathtub _ here. This new, strange territory didn't help his uncertainty. 

Eren stalled. He sputtered: "So —" 

"Do you know how long I've been waiting?" Levi interrupted as he approached Eren. "I've been going out of my  _ goddam mind. _ "

"Is there . . . something you want to tell me?" Eren pieced out.

"Yeah . . ." Levi kissed him. He came on fast and swept him up in an embrace, putting his arms around him and gripping the back of his jacket. At the moment of impact, Eren was lost. His senses failed as he looked off into the distance but saw none of it; his mouth fell open and his eyes fell closed. Levi pulled back and looked up at Eren.

Eren felt dumb. He made the only word he could think of. "You?"

"Yeah . . . Me too."

Suddenly, so much fantasy became valid. It was almost too much.

"Levi, I —"

"Shhhh," hushed Levi. "Just shut your mouth. I see how you look at me."

They met eyes. This time it was Eren who leaned in for the kiss.  _ Yeah, he'd been giving him the look all right. _ His eyes closed split-seconds before the collision, like it might damn well kill him. 

"Eren, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"But what if I want to . . ?"

"Then you can do whatever you want."

Eren bit his lower lip like a tease, but Levi could tell he wasn't sure about what direction to go in.

"I've got more wine. I've got books," Levi offered.

Eren bent in close. "I don't want a bedtime story that's nice," he whispered in Levi's ear.

"Well, how about I pull up a bath? Let's relax for a bit."

"Okay," Eren agreed. He was nervous, and he thought that maybe a bath would be a nice, gentle way of easing into things. Levi went to fill the tub with hot, sudsy water. It was a beautiful carved stone tub; nicer than Eren had ever seen before. He had no idea what he was doing. Sure, he'd been naked in front of other guys —guys who didn't give a fuck about him being naked.  _ What if my dick's too small or something?  _ He thought, frenetically.

"Eren, why don't you pour us some wine?" Levi could sense his tension. He added, "Maybe we should just relax tonight."

"Yeah, I'm relaxed." 

_ A bad lie. _

The bath became full. The glasses of wine were waiting. The two stood before each other, still clothed, expectations ablaze.

"So . . . You ever get naked with another guy before?" Eren broke the silence.

"Yeah. You?"

" . . . No. Not like this."

"So you really are a . . ."  _ virgin?  _ Levi dropped the sentence; it's rude to ask, and he blamed the liquor for his slip.

_ Well, not for much longer I hope, _ Eren thought _. _ "Yeah," he said.

Eren started to unzip his survey jacket and revealed that he had no shirt beneath. It was a hot little quirk Levi had noticed the boy kept up. Levi wondered how it would be to fuck him while he wore his jacket. Levi started undressing himself, slowly. Eren stopped and watched him.

"And what about the rest?" Levi teased. "You aren't gonna climb in with your clothes on, are you?"

That was all Eren needed. He and Levi stripped the rest of the way, stumbling out of their pants and into their naked bodies. If kissing were as good as killing, they'd have a body count of more than just two.

"Come on, the water's hot."

They climbed in. Levi went first and Eren climbed in after, finding the crook between Levi's legs and leaning back into him. Levi kissed the back of his neck. Eren crooned with pleasure; he cocked his head to one side, inviting more. The heat of the bath made him flush and feel drunker than he was before.

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah," Eren was still swimming through his thoughts. He drank more wine. "I'm really doing great. I had no idea you were like this."

"Surely you don't mean my  _ charming _ personality."

"Well . . . I mean gay."

"What, the ruffled cravat I wear with my uniform isn't faggy enough for you?"

"That's not what I meant! It looks good on you, though. But really, does . . . anybody know?"

"Nobody. I prefer to keep to myself," Levi said.  _ This isn't the time to talk about Erwin, _ he thought.

"Oh," Eren mumbled. The hot water was getting to him and he felt sleepy.

There was silence for a while; Levi made the most of it by passing water over Eren's shoulders and bathing him. He caressed his hands downward and eventually found his way to his penis. Eren appeared to appreciate the thoughtful touch and sighed while laying his head back across Levi's shoulder. It didn't take long to get him hard. Levi gave him long, brooding strokes one hand and let the other wander across Eren's body, sometimes gently cupping his balls.  _ Oh. _ Eren reciprocated by grabbing Levi's firm thigh under the water. He could feel Levi's 

( _ big _ ) 

dick pressing into his back.

After a few minutes of this treatment, Eren's mind was reeling from the pleasure. He made sweet moaning sounds as he put his legs wide and started to quiver under Levi's slow grip. His balls got tight and Levi rubbed on them while he worked his magic. Levi teased Eren by pressing just beneath them, at his seam. That really got him rolling. Eren more fervently thrust back and forth with as much range as he could, and finally let out a series of loud uncontrolled pleasure groans while his body released into the water the long strands of his come. The urgency of his hips slowed as his ejaculations came to a rest.

"Ahhhhhhhh . . ." he sighed out.  _ That. was. fucking . . . awesome. _

Levi kissed his neck. "Good boy."

Eren melted, and Levi treated him with soft kisses. 

"You're pretty good at that," Eren said.

"Mmhmm." 

More kisses, then silence, then, "Levi?"

"Yeah?"

"Umm . . . Well, can we talk?"

"We're talking right now."

"Oh, shut up."

"What? I thought you wanted to talk."

"I do . . . It's just embarassing . . ."

"Well, talk about it then."

"Levi, will you show me . . . how sex works?"

Levi erupted. He couldn't control his laughter any better than Eren could hide his embarassment. Levi got out of the tub and began to dry himself off, still shaking with mirth. Even after he stopped laughing the boy was looking still looking red and waiting for an answer.

"You're serious?"

" . . . Yeah . . ."

"Okay, okay . . . Well, it's probably going to hurt your first time," Levi said as he threw Eren a towel. "That's just something you'll have to work through, but trust me it gets better. A  _ lot _ better. But you have to take it slow in the beginning. Stretch things out a little bit. Do you ever . . . you know . . .  _ play _ with yourself down there?"

" . . . Yes."  _ A couple times, even. _

"Okay, so imagine that but like 10 times better. Also, there's a special spot up there. It's good. Really  _ fucking _ good."

"So, you like it?"

"Oh hell yes."

"Can we —?"

"Patience. Not tonight," Levi said.

That was a tough call. As much as he wanted to avoid it, Levi's mind had turned to Erwin. He wished he could pay Eren the attention he deserved, but things were complicated.

Eren looked mildy dejected —as dejected as one can look after receiving what was probably their first drunken handjob—as he got dressed and was ushered out.

Levi flopped onto his bed and lit up a cigarette. Tendrils of smoke curled up from his habit and gathered by the ceiling as he stared off into space.  _ Erwin was good to him. Yeah, he was really good to him. _ Levi was on a crash course towards his own death back then when he hated himself and Erwin took him away from all that and showed him how to love. The sex Erwin gave him was incredible —but it was so much more than that—so, why did he want to stray?


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a few days since Eren and Levi had had their tryst, and Eren was toiling lazily outside. He had woke with a bad headache the morning after and swore he wasn't going to drink ever again, and Levi was distant again.  _ Why the cold shoulder? _ Levi had hardly spoken to him at all since their relaxing evening together in the bath. They sure as hell hadn't kissed since. Levi gave orders, then disappeared. Levi teased, then disappeared. Eren couldn't stop thinking about him.  _ Maybe I'm just being stupid about it. _

He had worked his way over into an ugly primrose hedge enclosing a small courtyard with a few benches and a dried out, stained fountain. At least he was working with some plants now, and not just against the stone. The smell here was nice, flowery. He went to go collect some hedge trimmers when he heard some voices over the primroses.

" . . . Things are going well. Are you ready to begin your experiments?"

_ Levi!  _ Eren immediately ducked down and listened intently.

"Ha ha! Of course! Always ready."

_ A female? Definitely not Petra's voice . . .  _ Eren moved in a little closer and stayed low. He'd seen this woman before —she had auburn hair and glasses.

"Good. We've been waiting. What took you so long?"

"We captured a few titans in Trost district!" The female said.

"I can see how that would keep you . . .  _ occupied _ ."

"Oh yes!" Her tone of voice changed playfully, "And what's been keeping  _ you  _ occupied? No fun being away from your man, is it lover-boy?"

What _ did she just say? Does she mean me? _

Levi sneered audibly. "Don't call me that."

"Erwin told me he misses you. He's been thinking of you," she smirked.

The two went silent.  _ Erwin? _ Eren's stomach fell into a pit; he couldn't breathe. He began to crawl away haphazardly.

"Well, good for Erwin," Levi said. "All he wants to do is lock me down. . . that  _ bastard _ . Maybe if he actually cared about how I  _ feel _ things would be different."

"For real, Levi . . . I think he's trying to be sweet on you again. I think he regrets what happened."

After what seemed an eternity, Eren made it around the corner and slumped into the wall, his heart racing his brain over what's right. He couldn't believe what he'd heard. It was like the Jean and Marco situation all over again. What could he do about it? He was snooping and he knew it, but that didn't stop the hot pangs of jealousy shooting through him.

* * *

Eren tried his best to disappear for the rest of the day. He went indoors and moved sullenly from room to room, working at not seeing anyone at all. 

_ Okay . . . Levi has an ex. Sounds like they broke things off. Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. Levi  _ likes _ me, right? _

But,  _ what if he's using me? _

An awful thought. Jealous rage swept his mind out of his head. Eren went from room to room like they were the fractured states of his mind —he couldn't settle on anything but his lust for getting into Levi's pants.

_ But is that even  _ right _? _

_ Do I care? _

He had to make a move.  _ Tonight. _

Eventually, he found himself in the study that he'd spent so long cleaning. The study with the hidden passage. Without thinking about consequences, he pushed open the bookshelf and shuffled through. Down the hall. Up the stairs. Through the cobwebbed and long deserted room, and finally to the stone bench where he'd confessed himself nights ago. He was full of fire, more than ever, and the things before him seemed to be little more than phantasmagoria.

Eren plotted; the high, open space cooled him down a little bit —just enough—and it helped him think. It really did. He could at least focus again. He turned the scenarios playing out in his head over and over. It was pointless. It would never be as simple and as cool and as romantic as he had made it out to be. A pretender. That's all he was.

"You know . . . you get a really funny look on your face when you're thinking.

"Got something on your mind?" asked Levi as he approached. He walked so  _ quietly. _

"Yeah." Eren stood up and marched forward and kissed Levi passionately. "No more waiting."

"What?"

"Levi. Now." Eren kissed him again —looked him right in the eyes.  _ "Now." _

* * *

"So, you're sure you are ready?" Levi whispered to Eren, as they locked in an embrace on his bed.

"Yeah. Let's do this." Eren unzipped his jacket just a little, teasing to expose his bare chest. They kissed and rocked and frottered into each other. Levi rolled him over and got on top, Eren's legs wrapped up around his lower back, and unzipped his jacket the rest of the way. He took off his own jacket and threw it aside.

Eren admired his muscles. Levi was a little shorter than Eren was but he had more muscle on his frame. More scars, too. Eren closed his eyes and ran his hands over the hard body before him as Levi ripped open his pants and his erection flopped out of his trousers. He was gasping for air by the time he felt Levi's hot saliva running down his shaft. There was a brief pause while Eren fully removed his pants and socks, but then right back into it.

"Eren. You'll want to loosen yourself up."

Levi sucked on Eren's fingers and left them dripping wet. He held the boy's left leg up and watched as Eren began to stuff himself, tenderly at first. It wasn't long before he had three of his fingers inside himself —his face bore a pained, orgiastic look.

"Come up on your knees," Levi said. He guided the boy up. 

Eren's pupils were huge and he had a seductive, lost in the woods look about him. Levi stood over him and Eren knew what to do. Eren refreshed his fingers with spit and kept working on his hole. He sucked Levi's cock as best he could while pushing his hips backward into his own waiting fingers.

"Hn! Haaaa! Ngg!"  _ Oh!  _ Eren's vocalizations grew, and momentarily lost control of himself and Levi's sizable member.

Levi grabbed Eren's hair and put his cock back into his mouth. Eren just closed his eyes and let it happen; he listened to the wet fucking sounds coming from his hand and he couldn't believe what he was doing to himself.

"Fuck me." He said, between heavy, gasping breaths. "Fuck me right now." Levi's cock was dripping with his saliva.

Levi smirked. He put Eren down on his side and held up one of the boy's legs as he lay spooning behind him. Eren began to moan again as he felt Levi's hard organ nudging into his slick asshole.

"Levi? Please don't hurt me." Eren begged with his last shred of sanity. But he knew it was going to hurt. He wanted it to happen.

"I'll try my best to be sweet," Levi said as he pushed into Eren. The boy immediately tried to pull away, instinctively. 

_ Oh God! It's huge! _

Levi put his strong hands on Eren's hips and didn't let him escape.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay."

"Ng!" Eren couldn't speak while he grew accustomed to being penetrated.

With one hand on Eren's lower belly and the other clutching his hip, Levi pushed and worked himself in deeper. It was so warm and wet, intoxicating. Levi pulled out for just a moment and worked more saliva onto his dick and pushed it back in. This time, Eren pushed back and took most of it before quivering and yelping into a pillow.

That's when Levi started really fucking. He reached around and grabbed Eren's cock while he pounded into him —sloppy fuck noises filled his ears as his taut pelvis bounced of Eren's tight wet ass. Eren's throbbing hard cock was dripping its juice onto the sheet beside him. Levi put some on his fingers and offered them to Eren. Eren sucked like a whore and arched his back as Levi rammed his whole cock into him.

Eren screamed as Levi's cock rubbed up against his prostate. Electric pleasure rocketed through his veins and his limbs tingled —he held onto the sheets and contorted violently as his come shot out. No hands. Levi slowed his pace a little bit as the asshole he was fucking got tighter, but he kept pummeling into it. Eren just made basic words mixed with broken animal noises.

_ Oh! Hn! D-don't stop! God. God! Jesus fucking Christ! _

Levi put his hand up to cover his mouth when Eren bit him. Hard. Too hard.

"Ow! What the fuck!" There was blood and Levi pulled out of Eren to look at his wound.

"Hn! S-sorry!"

Levi was bleeding. What the fuck was with the biting? He was mad, but it really wasn't that bad of a wound.

Levi grabbed Eren by the neck, and watched fear flash into the boy's eyes. "Don't fucking bite me like that again," he warned.

Eren made a slight choking sound when he nodded. Levi kept his hand there as he reinserted himself back into Eren's slick, gaping asshole. He found himself groaning as Eren worked his hole against him, instinctively contracting his muscles. They got back into it in no time at all, but Levi wasn't so nice.

This time he threw Eren's leg over his shoulder and picked him up by his hips, bringing him in tight. Eren was wide open now: he mumbled and groaned and had no strength left in his hips. He kept his eyes shut as Levi fucked him through another leg-shaking orgasm. He collected come that had landed on his chest and sucked it off his fingers. He was crying out loudly with each of Levi's demanding thrusts, and then he came again. Levi grabbed Eren's balls and made a throaty growl as he pounded him. Eren looked like he was in agony as he made himself dirty with his ejaculate.

Levi stood, jerking himself off and bringing Eren to his knees. "Do you want my come?"

"Yeah." Eren looked up at him with tired, whore eyes. "Give me all of it."

Levi stuffed his cock into Eren's mouth and fucked. Eren was too tired to suck so he just opened wide while Levi shot a massive load all over his drooling wet face. It landed in his mouth, on his dangling tongue, and on his face. Eren held on to Levi's pulsing cock and rolled his come around on his tongue and swallowed what he could. He licked it off Levi's cock. He sucked it off good. He looked up at Levi as if his master were a god. Then he collapsed in a brainless heap; he covered his face and cried hysterically as the pain swept in on him after the ecstasy departed.

"Hey, hey . . . Are you okay?" asked Levi.

"I think my butt's gonna fall out!"

Levi gently pulled Eren's hands away from his face. He remembered his first time; it wasn't pretty. "Let me clean you up. And no, your butt's not gonna fall out."

Levi dapped at Eren's body with a towel and tried to be tender with him. "You did a good job for your first time. Let me check your hair."

Eren cuddled up to Levi. "I can't lift my legs. Is that normal?"

Levi chuckled. "After what you did. Yeah. That's normal. Happens to me, too"

_ Like when Erwin fucks you?  _ Eren thought bitterly. No matter. Eren was too tired to deal with it now. Christ, he was  _ exhausted. _

* * *

It wasn't long before Eren passed out in Levi's arms. Levi got up and left him on the bed.  _ Let the kid sleep a little _ , he thought; it wouldn't be long before he'd have to wake Eren up for dinner anyway. He was glad Petra was cooking tonight, but he was afraid of what might come of it.

Levi moved over to one of the shuttered windows and opened it. The late afternoon breeze felt great on his naked body. He scratched his butt and leaned his elbows on the sill. Levi looked at his hand, at the bite Eren had given him. It was still pulsing in time with his heartbeat, like all wounds do until they mostly heal. Some wounds take longer than others. He dwelt on his past.

Levi lived on the streets once. Back then, he was mean —real mean—and he didn't care much for life or people. He did bad things that he wished he could take back. Levi lit a cigarette and stared into the afternoon light, taking absolutely none of it in. 

Erwin changed the game. It was like he knew exactly what Levi needed: a big strong man, made Levi feel safe and delicate. Erwin had picked him up and held him in his arms like he was some kind of fairy tale princess when he had bedded him the first night. And they made love. The way Erwin treated him —it was special.  _ Gentle. _ Levi couldn't do that for someone else. Things with Erwin had all but dropped off the map, and he wished he could do it for Eren.

Erwin was emotionally distant; always busy. Fucking makes sense, with all the high rank bullshit he has to deal with. But that doesn't change that needs went unfulfilled. Or that it hurt so bad to be left alone. Levi grew colder and he had felt like hurting people again.

Levi puffed his cigarette. His hand was still throbbing.

Eldo Jinn had asked Eren about his transformations the first night at the castle. Eren said he would bite himself, that's how he did it. Must be it. Eren wanted Levi to know his pain, maybe. Half the time Levi didn't even know his own pain —only that it was there. He looked at the boy who was sleeping in his bed. He looks like a little angel. _ An angel with some crazy shit going on. _

The cigarette let out one last puff of smoke as he put it out. Levi sat on the bed next to Eren and looked down at him. Levi watched him snooze for a few minutes, wondering about it all.  _ Don't let this world make you hard, Eren. It's so easy, but don't let it, _ he thought.

It was time to wake him.

"Hey," crooned Levi. He stroked Eren's cheek with his finger. Eren looked renewed —not the same strung-out-from-sex thing that he'd had in bed a half an hour ago. "Feeling better?"

"I think so. Tired."

"You should get yourself dressed and go to your room. Put yourself together for dinner." Levi leaned in and kissed him. It was well received.

"Okay." 

Eren sat up with a groan. He pulled himself to his feet and began to lurch around the room. "Oh my God, I can't walk. What the fuck did you do to me?"

"Sorry. Got a little carried away."

"It felt good.  _ Really _ good."

"Glad you liked it."

Eren paced around and tried to keep the wobbling to a minimum. He almost fell while putting on his pants. "Where are my fucking socks?"

It's always the socks.


	5. Chapter 5

Eren hurried to the dining hall—he was late. He had barely pulled himself together since his afternoon romp, and he still looked the part he'd played. He heard the conversations go silent as he stood in the doorway, and paused for a beat. He hobbled his way towards the table and felt like everyone was staring at him, but he didn't dare look up to confirm it. Zoe Hange flashed Levi a _what the fuck?_ look after taking in Eren's walk. She doubted it was from turning into a titan. Levi sipped some wine and brushed her off.

"Thanks for coming Eren! It's good to see you!" Petra Ral said, breaking the silence awkwardly. She looked like she needed help. "I made my specialty dish for everyone."

The table darkened considerably.

"It's salted mackerel curry!" She said, and drew Eren's attention to something looking like a nauseous orange paste with chunks in it. "I made some grilled bread, too!" she added, showing him a pile of charcoal bricks.

"Looks good . . ."  _ Grilled bread?  _ thought Eren as he looked around the table as he thought about it: Oluo looked solemnly into his glass of wine, and Eld gave a cautionary look to Eren. A fair warning, Eren supposed. Petra looked at Eren, waiting for approval. 

"I'll . . . try some!" Eren said. He gulped nervously.

Petra lit up and piled a plate high with the orange slime and black chunks (grilled bread?). She passed it across the table with a smile; Eren received it as if it could be dangerous. Time to play with some food.

"So, Eren," Levi said, moving things along. "Let me introduce you to Squad Leader Hange. She's here to see you." He nodded his head towards the woman he was speaking with earlier in the garden. Eren remembered that he had met her briefly before the trial. He must have forgotten because so much had happened that day.

"Yes, Eren! Very pleased to meet you!" She exclaimed. Eren thought she looked slightly crazy, but he supposed you had to be to join the survey corps. She continued: "I'm so excited to work with you. I hope we can begin as soon as possible. Levi, what is Eren tasked with tomorrow?"

"Courtyard duty. Again."

"Very good then! It's settled! We begin tomorrow! I have  _ so  _ many questions!"

Levi looked like he had very little patience for this woman. He sipped his wine. The squad at the table seemed weighted under the burden of the salted mackerel curry and the burnt bread, all except for Zoe Hange. It looked like she hadn't even touched the stuff. Eren was avoiding it, too.

"Are you ready to transform again?" Hange asked.

"Yeah . . . I guess so." Eren glanced at Levi. He wanted to be alone with him. 

Hange continued to press Eren for information. "How do you transform? What's it like when you do?"

Eren snapped out of his love-daze.

"Oh . . . I just . . . I don't really  _ know _ . I don't really think about it. I just bite my hand like this —" Eren lifted his hand up a little but stopped short of biting. He wondered how Levi's hand was doing. "But I don't really know anything else about it."

Zoe Hange was beyond even blinking, her focus on Eren was so intense. Eren always hated it when people stared at him; everyone was staring at him now.

"Wow. That's just . . . weird," said Eld.

"It's fascinating," said Hange.

Eren wished the conversation would find a different subject.

"Okay," Levi interjected, perhaps sensing Eren's want. "Zoe has brought word from Erwin as well. Since you are all just dying to escape this castle, I thought I would give you some hope. The word is that we will be joining an expedition beyond wall Maria in approximately thirty days. We need to be ready for it."

Levi looked directly at Eren, who met his gaze without looking away. The boy scanned his face as Levi continued. "We are to make use of Squad Leader Hange's time. We will be present as she performs preliminary tests on Eren. After that, we will pass our time with standard squad training, planning for the mission, and grounds maintenance as needed. Understood?"

"Aye!" Unisoned into the room.

"I don't have very much time here," Hange said, "I will need to return to the capital in a few days. We have a pair of titans that were captured in Trost and I am currently studying them."

"Really?" Eren asked, honestly excited.

"Yes, really. It's been a passionate relationship! Sonny and Bean, the two titans!  _ Perhaps you'd like to hear more? _ " Hange was now standing for dramatic emphasis.

Squad Levi got up and began moving towards the door —they'd been through Zoe Hange's talks before. Eren remained seated.

"Levi?" Zoe queried, "We should talk later."

Levi raised his hand in silent acknowledgement as he escaped. The room had emptied but for Zoe Hange and Eren. She sat down at her place across from Eren and looked at him in a manner deceivingly calm.

"So, would you like to hear about my experiments?" She asked. 

"Yes. I'm curious about them. What got you so into the titans to begin with?"

" _ Well then _ ," Zoe began.

* * *

Dawn crested the horizon, and Eren had found himself yet another victim of Zoe Hange's endless theories and rants. He knew now why Squad Levi had tactfully retreated: up all night talking and she didn't even seem tired.

"So, you probably already knew a lot of that stuff from your training," Hange mused.

"Uh-huh."

"Well, now let me discuss with you all of those points but with my personal theories and —"

The door slammed open and in barreled Levi with a rare grin.

"Breakfast time!" he said. Hange shot him a dirty look; she suspected this intrusion had been calculated. Eren could have rained sweet kisses on his savior all day for it. Levi had come alone. "Eren, go do up some eggs and some regular toast. Don't  _ burn _ anything."

Eren grumbled off to collect some eggs. As soon as he had left, Zoe turned to Levi.

"You're fucking him."

"Come on, Zoe . . . Are you really going to grill me for it this early in the morning?" Levi smirked, guilty. Besides, Zoe Hange had become like a sister to Levi; she could read through him better anyone else could. Even better than Erwin, for that matter. She grilled him for it:

"As if he doesn't have enough going on. As if  _ you _ don't have enough going on. What about  _ Erwin? _ "

"We talked about that."

"So?"

"Look, whatever Erwin wants I'm sure he can get it somewhere else."

"But Levi. The  _ boy _ . He can turn into a fucking titan. He doesn't need your shit in his life right now. He's naive. It's wrong. And  _ you _ can get it somewhere else."

Her point resonated with Levi. Hange really was like his sister. Eren returned with some eggs and properly toasted bread.

"I made some tea, too." He excused himself one more time to go fetch it. At least he was walking a little better today, Levi noticed.

"At least he's not above making breakfast," said Levi with a snide look towards Zoe. Eren returned with the tea and had a bit of a pause about him. He sensed that they had been talking about him and wondered what they'd said while he had been cooking. Just titan stuff, he hoped. Or maybe they were talking about Erwin again. Hange gave him a concerned look as he sat down.

His chest felt tight. Maybe breakfast would help.

* * *

A few minutes later, the rest of the squad showed up for a free-for-all breakfast. Minutes turned to hours as they prepared for their field exercises with Squad Leader Hange. Eren was nervous. Hours turned to days as he spent time down in an ancient stone well: it was to be determined if he could even transform in such tight quarters. He could not. Levi ordered him to do it but he couldn't. He hadn't been able to tranform at all, in fact.

The days ran together and he had an accident. He had reached down to pick up a spoon while the squad ate in the field when his arm transformed into something disgusting. A fleshy mass. The squad was ready to kill him, even though he screamed and cried and begged no. He wasn't expecting this to happen. Levi protected him.  _ Calm the fuck down!  _ he shouted, hands up. He wasn't very calm himself. Zoe Hange screamed with delight and fascination. He was her test subject. He hadn't had a chance for sex in days.

He would go see Levi tonight.

* * *

Eren smiled when Levi pushed him onto the bed. He wanted this. Bad. More than anything. It had been over a week since Levi gave him a taste. He looked up at Levi with eyes that told all. 

_ Fuck me. _

Levi looked down at Eren's bulging crotch. The kid had a big dick, and Levi hardly had to touch him to get it ready.

"So, daddy," Eren said as he began to put himself together in a delightfully sexy begging pose. "What do you want?" Levi stood over him and ran his fingers through his hair. "What do you want me to do?"

"You know what I want, you delicious little slut."

Eren smiled. He started rubbing Levi's crotch and began unzipping him. Levi let a small growl out and closed his eyes. His jaw dropped as Eren pulled out his hard member and kissed the underside of the massive thing. 

_ Wow.  _

Levi groaned as he felt those tight little lips wrap themselves around his tip. Eren was such a tease about it, and it really got his cock hard. Levi looked down into those eyes that looked like twin emerald fires burning and moaned when Eren made at going the distance.

_ Ahhhh! Don't gag! Don't gag! Oh my god... _ Eren thought, as he almost choked.  _ There's a lot to handle here. _

Levi ran his cruel fingers through Eren's hair, and pulled on it just to be a little mean. He forced Eren to look up at him. The boy made a desperate gasp for air as Levi's hard cock fell out of his mouth. He looked up with those wide, lost eyes that made him look so innocent.  _ It had been a pleasure to defile that innocence _ , Levi thought.  _ Just like it will be a pleasure now. _

"I want you to fuck me." Eren begged, his cheeks hot with passion.

"I bet you do."

"I've been waiting for this, please..."

"Take your pants off."

Eren didn't hesitate. He stood up and ripped of his pants. He threw them to the ground and stood there before Levi in only a tee-shirt and his erection. Levi stroked him and watched his eyelids lower and his lip gently quiver.

_ Oh god. _

Levi stroked him harder.

_ Oh. My. God... _

_ "Get on the bed," _ Levi commanded.

Eren turned around and bent down. He stuck his ass up in the air and arched his back. Levi smirked and ran a hand up Eren's right thigh. He listened as the boy let out a soft, sexy sigh and pushed his hips back. Levi, sensing that his eyes were closed, just took a few moments to grab Eren's ass hard. He loved how supple it was. He felt his excitement coursing down through him as he casually inspected Eren's hanging balls.

_ Ahh! _ Eren yelped out loud when Levi grabbed him there without warning.  _ What a pair. _ His back muscles flexed up instinctively as he picked up his shoulders and lowered his hips. His eyes had opened wide, and he looked back with a smile once he realized he wasn't getting hurt.

"You're a bastard..." he smirked. "Are you going to get me ready, or what?"

Levi didn't say anything. Rather he made a whorish show of slicking his fingers up with his saliva and teasing Eren's asshole with them.

"Hn!" Eren's eyes closed as his tension peaked sharply but then started to fade away. Levi rocked him forward for better access.

"Mmmm, fuck you and your cute little asshole," Levi remarked as he spread out butt with his hand. He kissed the little hole at first, then let his tongue loose on it.

"Ahh! Jesus Christ!" moaned Eren. 

Levi continued to do his work. He shamelessly touched himself and enjoyed Eren's musky scent. Eren was beginning to periodically roll his hips backwards into him. The saliva ran down from his little cunt and made his tight balls wet.

"Goddammit, Levi. Don't make me wait!"

Levi chuckled and gave Eren's ass a hard slap. "You're a bossy one aren't you."

"Please . . ." cooed Eren.

"If you insist."

_ Oh god! Just fuck me! Fuck! Fuck me!  _ Eren couldn't wait. His mouth opened wide and he let out a low animal growl as he felt Levi's hot tip prod his asshole. Levi always paused for a second here and it drove Eren crazy.

Levi began pushing his tip in and out of Eren's relaxed asshole. He looked down and watched how that tight little rim just seemed to tug at his cock as he made his light thrusts, working it in deeper and deeper. He slapped Eren on the ass. Then he grabbed Eren by the back of the neck and pushed him down into the bed.

Eren felt like he was getting split in two. He wasn't going to keep quiet about it this time either. He grabbed at handfuls of sheets but no matter how tightly he clutched them he couldn't hang on. His ass was up for grabs, owned by a cruel master. 

"Oh god!" he cried. And he cried. And he cried. He was no match for Levi's rhythm. It was one of the best sensations he'd ever felt. He felt so  _ full.  _ So  _ complete. _

Suddenly, in a quick maneuver that Eren hardly had the brains to understand at this point, Levi flipped him over. He put one of Eren's legs over his shoulder and put his massive dick back into the boy. Levi slowed his fucking and bent down to get a taste of the sweat on Eren's chest. He pinched one his nipples and enjoyed how the nubile bucked and grasped for air. 

"Yeah, you like that, you little whore."

"Oh Gods, yes! Give it to me!"

Levi pounded him. Eren was screaming with every goddamn thrust. Levi's cock was hitting him at just the right angle. He held Eren's ass tight against his hips as he fucked him with a raw power that made the boy cover his face and scream into his own hands. Eren's legs were shaking and bucking wildly and his mouth failed to make real words any longer. It felt so fucking  _ good. _

Levi himself degraded to raw, low ape sounds while he fucked the boy through his first orgasm of the night. Eren erupted from his hard cock, messing all over his belly and the sheets beside him. His legs were still shaking all over the place and his hands still covered his face as he whimpered through it. Levi climaxed shortly after. How could he  _ not,  _ when Eren's tight little hole clamped down like it did —pulsing in time with his orgasm? Levi's thrusting grew weak before those bright green eyes looking up at him, glassy from pleasure, as he ejaculated deeply.

Finally, the world seemed to stop.

"You're getting better at this." Levi said, panting. He went to remove his dick from his partner, but Eren held him there. 

"Stay," he said.

Levi obliged the little request, and settled in as Eren laced his fingers together behind his neck. It was the first time in a long time that someone looked into Levi's eyes and had a look of serenity. Like someone that has what he wants, at least for a short while. Levi knew Eren was wild in battle. Nobody could control him. Levi had him under wraps while he had his hands on him, but he couldn't watch him all the time. 

"Don't get any ideas," said Levi.

"Ha. What ideas?"

"I said don't get any fucking ideas!" shouted Levi. Eren was shocked at the sudden change; the words cut. They were real; from somewhere deep. Levi pulled himself away.

Eren didn't even know what to say. He was new to the emotions of love, but this? It was the first time Levi had snapped at him like that.  _ And for what? _

Levi moved broodingly to the window. He threw his head down and covered his face, making a sullen silhouette against the moonlight. He was choking up.

Eren was pensive. He had been jolted out of his post-coital dreamland by his lover's abrasive language. He felt soft towards this amazing man that stood before him, who was crumbling under some weight he didn't know. 

_ What did I do wrong? _

Emotions raced through Levi's brain. He tried to hold them in but his eyes were watering. He always thought about the past; more than he wanted to. 

"What if I can't protect you, Eren?"

"What?"

"What if I can't protect you?!" Levi looked at Eren now. His always perfect hair was torn apart from sex, and his tears were obvious. "What if I watch you die? What if I have to fucking  _ kill you?! _ "

_ Levi . . . _

Eren felt mixed up. He suddenly became aware of his own nakedness and curled his legs up to partly conceal himself, to make himself smaller. He felt like he was made a man by what they shared together, but thinking about the titans always returned him to being a child. He anguished at that. "I . . . don't know what to say."

It was true. Eren hadn't even thought Levi  _ could  _ cry. He wrapped his arms around his knees tighter as he sat up in bed.

"Eren." Levi just said his name and nothing else.

A pause.

"What...?"

"Eren, I can't lose you."

Their eyes met. Those electric green eyes hadn't softened in the least. Levi loved those eyes.

"You won't!" Eren resolved, "You'll see! I'll turn into a titan again if I have to."

Silence.

"Are you going to get the fuck over here now?" Eren continued. He dropped the soldier act as suddenly as he picked it up. "I'm getting  _ cold." _

Levi moved back across the room. He flung himself on the bed beside Eren and made himself big spoon. Eren made his ass comfortable at Levi's crotch while Levi ran his fingers through his hair and breathed in _. _ He loved that smell. 

"Since when do you give a fuck about other people, anyway?" Eren queried. He snuggled in deeper. He loved it when Levi smelled him. It was weird, but it made him feel sexy. He felt wanted. He teased him: "Aren't you supposed to be some kind of bad ass or something?"

"Watch your mouth."

"What?"

"You heard me. My ears are not a toilet," Levi chuckled, "You fucker."

They shared a laugh, but it wasn't made right just yet. Levi was obviously trying hard to give Eren the sweet nothings he deserved, but there was still something back there in his mind —Eren could feel it. 

Eren thought about losing his family.  _ Everyone has lost someone in this world _ .  _ Who had Levi lost? _ He remembered how had Petra said that Levi had been a notorious gangster before the survey corps.

"Levi?" Eren turned towards him with a kind of sad, sober look. It was time for honesty; now or never.

"Yeah?"

" . . . Are you having sex with Erwin?"


	6. Chapter 6

The question ripped at Levi; he took a moment and caught his breath. By the way Eren looked down immediately after asking . . . Levi could see that he knew the answer already. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. He didn't want to look at Eren.

"Yes," he said. "Yes, I am." It was the truth at least. "It's complicated," he added.

Eren didn't respond, but Levi could feel him begin to shake. Eren sucked air in suddenly —made a raw throaty sound—and starting sobbing. Levi tried to hold him but couldn't. Eren beat at him weakly with balled fists when he tried to. Levi wanted to imagine that it wasn't so bad, that he could still do right, but every aperiodic oscillation of Eren's sobbing was a reminder of the blow he had dealt. Eren rolled away and made choked breathing sounds as his body desperately forced itself to suck in air.

Levi drifted off to escape; he didn't want to wake up to what he'd done. Eren was putting on his clothes and stumbling around and crying and Levi couldn't deal with it. Had he ever really changed? He had been so sure of himself, but this time he had gone too far. The door slammed shut on him. He heard no more crying; the last word, spoken by the shuddering door, punctuating and echoing through his mind.

* * *

Eren careened down the hall in a half-blind rut of jilted emotion. He got drunk on wine before all the sex began, and now that he was up and moving it became more obvious.

_ Why didn't he just fucking tell me about him? _

He plowed past Zoe Hange.

_ What the fuck is she doing here? _

He plowed past her shocked expression at the mess of his person. The kid smelled like sex and booze and looked like tears were falling in hell. He tried to pass it off. It didn't work. It never does. 

"Eren!"

He kept moving. He had no idea where to, now. Didn't matter. He wanted to bite himself. He wanted to break this whole castle down. He wanted to hurt. He already hurt, just not enough. What the hell was enough? It was never enough. He brought his hand up to his mouth and chewed in real good.  _ Fuck. _

"Eren! Stop!"

Eren crumpled up against the wall. He let his jaw go of his bloodied hand. He wasn't a titan. Nothing had happened. He was just . . . Eren. Small, vulnerable Eren.  _ Can't even protect himself. _

_ Did I mean anything to him at all? _

Zoe Hange followed his mad tromp down the hall and quickly wrapped him in an embrace. "Eren, Eren, Eren," she said, "It's okay. It's okay."  _ Shit was not okay, _ she thought. "No more biting _.  _ Don't hurt yourself. _ "  _

He took to it surprisingly well and cried into her shoulder. She could feel his tension begin to dissolve.

"Let's get you out of here," she said after a measure. Eren nodded solemnly; his eyes were glassy red but he looked her in the eyes.  _ That's good, _ she thought as she stroked his hair like a mother. She knew where he was coming from. She couldn't believe Levi.  _ That pig. _

She peeked around a corner. Hange didn't want to make a spectacle out of Eren's breakdown any more than she was sure Levi didn't want to make known his intimacy with the boy. She swore she would do a better job of it. 

_ Nobody coming. _ She gripped Eren by the back of his arm and pulled him along. "Come on," she said. He followed; she could see his brain wasn't processing —he was lost, in a labyrinth.

Suddenly there was some cajoling in the halls.  _ One female, one male. Has to be Petra. _ Hange ducked Eren into a nasty side room that had been so far neglected by their cleaning regimen. The voices passed them by; making their way off to someone's bedroom, no doubt.  _ It's a wonder this squad sticks together, everybody having sex with each other the way they do. _ She poked her head out and looked after them. It had been Petra hanging out with Eld. Good for her.

Zoe Hange helped Eren back to his feet, shepherding him down the hall. He seemed a bit more level now —still drunk, still down rather than up—but, at least he wasn't sobbing as hard. He followed as if sleepwalking and she did the work of scouting. They eventually made it out to her favorite place—the rose garden.

The smell of primroses was sobering. The pungent air filled Eren's drunken, sad lungs; his head swam back up to the surface from a dark dream.

* * *

"I don't think he cares about me," he said. "Why would he?"

"Eren, Levi is . . . complicated. There's no easy answer with him. And I've known him a long time, sweetie."

Silence.

"Does he love him?"

"That's not an easy question to answer . . ." Zoe Hange exhaled deeply. Looks like the kid found out. Sometimes she wished she still smoked.

"Try?"

"Okay," Hange said, "Forget what you think you know about Levi. The truth is probably worse than what you've heard."

"Petra said he was a thug."

"Yeah. She wasn't there for it though. Levi killed people for money, sweetie. Not many people know that."

There was a long pause. Zoe really wished she had some cigarettes. She continued:

"Yeah . . . He was on drugs and liquor, too. Bad. Still kind of is, but not like he used to be. I remember when Erwin brought him in, he was fucked up from detoxing for days." She gave the boy a solemn look. "Erwin kept him under lock and key —he was screaming and throwing things behind that door. Not at all calm like the Levi he's shown you so far. Anyway, eventually he just passed out."

"So, wait . . . How did they meet?"

"Levi tried to kill Erwin."

"What?!"

"That's right. Somebody wanted Erwin dead. They hired Levi to do it."

"But who?"

"I don't know. Erwin might, but I sure as hell don't. When Levi got done with his withdrawals, it was pretty obvious that he was something special to the commander. Erwin must have beat the shit out of him during their scuffle, but the way they looked at each other . . . Eren, I know you don't want to hear it, but they loved each other."

"Loved?"

"Things are messy right now: they're fighting. Emotions are raw. They're both making bad choices." 

_ Maybe Levi doesn't want to be with Erwin anymore? _ Eren felt a glimmer of hope. "So maybe they want to break up?"

"Sweetie," She put his head on her shoulder and wrapped him in her arm, "You should stay away from Levi for a while. He's an emotional trainwreck when he's  _ happy.  _ Right now, he's not happy. He's been hitting drugs again. He hides it well but I can tell."

"I love him."

"I know, I know. Sixteen is a rough age —"

"Don't chastise me for my age. I know what I want."

Silence. Zoe Hange looked up at the stars. They really were something else.  _ The immutable heavens. _

* * *

Eren woke the next day and had trouble getting out of bed. He didn't exactly remember how he got there, either. He wasn't usually quick to his feet in the mornings but today seemed to be plagued by a complete lack of interest. He thought about Levi: the drugs, Erwin, Levi killing _people._ It was news to him —and difficult to take. He felt depressed. Maybe Levi really was just using him. Hange had said Levi was only doing soft stuff like smoking pot and opium but she also made Eren feel like he was just another one of Levi's bad habits.

With a concerted effort, Eren rolled himself out of bed and stood. He briefly inspected his naked penis, worried it was small. He put on pants and his jacket and finished dressing himself then left for the mess hall hoping he would miss the crowd.

He had;  _ almost _ . Petra was sitting there with some serious bed-head. Eren could relate.

"Hey," he said as he approached. "Any tea left?"

"Yeah, help yourself." 

Eren poured a cup and kept quiet. He didn't have much to say. Petra glanced over her cup at him.  _ What a weird boy, _ she thought. Eren looked to be tired; sulking, even. It made sense —he was a test subject for Zoe Hange. She was sure that that wasn't anything to aspire to be.

"Late night?"

"You don't wanna know," Eren said. He smiled ruefully.

Petra picked herself up from the table and sauntered off with her tea. "Well, just be ready in time for when the commander comes," she called after.

"What?"

"Yeah, Commander Erwin is arriving today to parlay with the captain. They need to discuss the coming mission."

_ Well shit. _

"So, get ready! It's soon," Petra cautioned.

Eren slurped down tea and almost put half of it on his jacket. He got up and wobbled. Yeah, he needed to get ready, that was for sure.

* * *

Erwin came. The squad assembled. And Eren seethed behind it all. He didn't even look up at Erwin when he passed by to join Levi. 

He wore a hard mask, but underneath his true feelings threatened to melt through. He felt insignificant in Erwin's massive presence; he would bark if he gave himself the chance. So he looked down, and tried to ignore the situation; if he had pulled himself together enough to stand here then he could goddamn stand to keep himself together.  _ Feelings don't matter in this world. _ Not one bit.

* * *

Eren grouped up with the others and did yardwork, while the squad waiting for word on the mission. There were many rooms in the castle left unattended to, yet they labored to make the gardens as beautifully as they could. He did not want talk, and ignored the others as they talked. He pulled at weeds and kept to himself. Every root he turned up was a silent accusation directed at Levi, at Erwin, or at himself.

_ Would Erwin leave today? _ Eren wondered.  _ If he stayed, then where? _ The weeds seemed in endless supply. Eren's whole world had turned upside down. He was sure of himself that night when they had bathed together, and it had been sweet. He did not appreciate the beauty of the work the squad was doing here today. His mind was trapped in a dark bedroom with a dark man who was not his.  _ Everything had been very sweet. _

_ They love each other. _

Zoe Hange seemed to echo over and over as he buried his hands in the dirt. The weeds and the flowers blended minutes into hours and the sun began to set. Eren's stomach growled and he realized he hadn't eaten yet. Everyone seemed cheerful but he wondered if they could be falling apart on the inside, secretly, like himself.

_ Everyone has lost someone in this world. _ _ It's not just me. _

Erwin stayed at the castle that night. Eren played at soldier. He played at his food. He played at everything that wouldn't show himself as he really was.

Eren slept alone. He jerked off into his sheets and cried afterwards. He thought about the book Levi had given him —the hero that was eaten by the mother of his enemy, a monster. The world ate away at him. He was no hero.

* * *

"So you just couldn't fucking tell me about him?!" Screamed Eren. He threw his glass of wine, of which he'd had plenty, across the room. It smashed against the wall. "Why didn't you fucking say something?"

Levi was silent. Things were complicated. Eren was young. He didn't understand these things yet. Levi sat silently and lit a cigarette. He smoked, Eren cried.

"How could you fuck me? How could you fuck me  _ and not care about how I feel? _ " Eren looked around and pulled at his hair. Levi wished he would stop fucking crying. "Do I mean anything to you at all?"

"Yes!" Levi shouted, "Yes you do!"

At least that shut Eren up for a second.

"How are you just going to fuck me and then dump me while you go off with the commander?" Erwin had left earlier in the day and Eren had wasted no time in expressing himself. 

"Eren, I . . . I owe Erwin. I owe him big time."

"So you fuck him. You fucked him last night."

It was true. Levi had fucked him. He fucked Erwin any time the commander came calling for it. He was powerless against him.

"You don't understand, Eren."

"Then why don't you fuck me?!" Eren unzipped his jacket. He knew how Levi looked at him when he went barechested under it. He exposed the top of his slight, muscular frame and tried to straddle Levi, desperate.

"Eren, stop it," Levi said. "It's just complicated. We have a mission coming up and I have a lot to think about. I wish you wouldn't be so emotional."

That stung. Eren curled up his lower lip and bit into it. He looked Levi dead in the eyes. A single tear ran down Eren's cheek, and then he slapped Levi across the face.

"Eren, I don't know what I want. Half the time I don't even know who I am. The other times I wonder if I ever did," Levi continued. "You were amazing. You're so fucking perfect. I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do," Eren argued. He didn't care about the past or the stories he had heard.

"We're leaving tomorrow. You should get some rest. You're drunk."

_ Like that's gonna happen,  _ thought Eren. He  _ was  _ drunk. "Just let me sleep with you. I just want to be with you. I don't care about Erwin."

"Come on, Eren. Don't lie to me. I know I led you on. I'm sorry. I don't think this can continue."

"Please?" 

"No, Eren."

The boy covered his face. He didn't want Levi to see how bad he'd hurt him. Levi embraced him, wrapped him up in his arms for one last time.

"Eren, I'm sorry. I was selfish. There's no time for us. Life . . . is unfair. I was unfair. We can't see each other like this anymore."

"What about what I want?"

"Go back to your quarters. We leave at dawn.  _ That's an order _ ." Levi let him go. Eren took one last look into his lover's face —the emotion was gone from it, or at least hidden behind the mask of rank. He turned and walked out of Levi's chambers. He did not meet anyone in passing as he returned to his room and he was grateful for it.

* * *

There was little talk. The morning dew had fallen and given the land a soft glaze; each member of the squad seemed lost their own thoughts. The monotonous sound of hooves melted down into a steady rhythm; the drum-beat driving the party onward toward their destination. The mission. Eren couldn't even bring himself to think about it. Hooves beat the earth, punctuating the questions stabbing at his mind. The world ate away at him. Eren promised one day he would forget all about the castle, but it was a lie and he knew it.

The hooves beating the earth kept their rhythm. The drum-beat drove on.

 

 

 

_ fin. _

_ November 28, 2015 _


End file.
